I have found that I tend to think a lot when I should be sleeping (i.e. the fact that the time stamp on this entry is about 1:40 am). And while late night hours tend to make people groggy, for me it tends to be a time where I can't convince and argue myself into accepting the little half-truths I tell myself throughout the day.
2:15 pm : "I can have this cookie. It's delicious and won't be that bad."
2:15 am : "I can have this cookie. And if I do, it will haunt the back of my thighs for ages."
3:00 pm : "If I take a nap right now, I'll make it to that meeting and feel refreshed!"
3:00 am : "If I take a nap right now, I'll be late to class, miss that meeting and look like death..."
3:30 pm : "Man, life is going well right now... I'm loving it!"
3:30 am : "Man, life is going well right now, but I should really focus a little better, and stop being a procrastinator, and go to the gym, and call people back, and...and...ZzZzZzZz"
See what I mean?
But in my musings this early morning, I began to think about some startling statistics about being an educated Black American woman. I really don't like using the term "educated" because it's somewhat condescending most times...but I can't think of a suitable substitute at present, so here we go.
Statistically, the longer I stay in school, the fewer chances I have at marrying a Black American man.
What does that mean?
Well, in the grand scheme of things, it means that it's a good thing I have an open mind about love, but if I'm brutally honest with myself, am I going to find love outside of the Black community? Yeah, I saw Sanaa Lathan do it in Something New (great movie), but how often will that happen in real life? And, to top it all off, it's not that we're just not finding Black husbands, Black American women are the least married group of women in the US right now.
And while my studies take the forefront of my mind, I can't help but notice these things around the time of the biggest formal at our wonderful mountain school. I look around seeing people importing dates, being asked out, etc. And then I think about the pecking order of marriage. I put the statistics with my personal experience, and I see myself with many pets, a nice house, a great music collection, a fabulous movie selection, a glamorous wardrobe, but no significant other. I actually do believe this folks. Blame the 21 years of singleness, I guess.
But, I do know that I could "change" this singleness, but I'd rather be single, with friends, and happy than compromise the promises I've made myself by changing my behavior just to attract someone. I don't think it's worth it in the long run. What good is it to have someone to look at when I roll over in bed if I can't look myself in the mirror everyday. No thanks...
So why am I talking about this? I don't know. A combination of things that includes a capstone about Black American men in the education system, a class about expectations of women, a philosophy course focusing on social inequality and fair opportunity. Oh, and the coupling off of the formal. Can't forget that one...
And to my non-Black sisters who are increasingly finding the educated/athletic Black American man as a great option for husband material...please don't think I blame you or am bitter in any way. Trust me, I'm all for the love in whatever color, shape, size, or creed it comes in. With that said, I will acknowledge that I have had my own moments of he's-only-with-her-because-she's-not-Black-and-he-thinks-she's-easier thoughts. Sorry...but that's how it is on our campus/in the world sometimes...
I'll be over it in the morning.
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